the glory is His.

today was one of those 'i'll never forget this day' days.

today was a day full of glory and beauty.

it marked the last day of lecture, and it was completed

with a teaching that really changed everything for me.

a teaching about what the Kingdom of God truly is.

as i sat there soaking it in, an excitement began to stir my

heart so much i could hardly contain myself. 

THIS is why i am here, and THIS is why i do what i do.

it is all about the Kingdom.

 as with the end of lecture, 

it means the beginning of outreach!

today our five teams were commissioned and prayed over.

it was a beautiful few hours of releasing and sending out.

powerful.

that is the one word that comes to mind.

powerful.

as my team was being prayed over, i looked up to see my dts outreach leaders (eastern europe!) making their way towards me.

the three of us huddled together all knowing the significance of this time.

these were my leaders, 

the two that walked along side of me for my first taste of missions.

they challenged me.

laughed with me.

cried with me.

they led with fear of the Lord, humility, and love.

they watched me grow in boldness and overcoming fears.

they witnessed me embrace the freedom that Jesus has called me to.

i respect and love them as leaders, and now as friends.

we stood there for a few moments of silence.

beauty.

with their hands on my shoulders, they began to pray powerful prayers over me.

prayers that only they pray.

if only i could put in to words the power of this moment.

i simply can't.

there is something to be said when those who have lead you

are praying a releasing over you to lead.

GLORY.

that's the only word that comes to mind.

phew.

Jesus is so entirely good.

our team leaves on monday.

our flights are paid for and we just received housing confirmation.

as of this morning, i needed $600 and the need is no more.

GLORY.

here we go!

twenty-three days.

In twenty three days, my team is heading to Central Asia.

Twenty three days.

My team.

Central Asia.

How in the world…

This past January, I was in Romania with my DTS outreach team. I remember we were speaking out what was on our heart and what we saw as our strengths and weaknesses. After I was done sharing, one of my leaders pulled me aside and spoke an encouraging word I still carry.

“I can see in you that one day, you’ll lead teams. When you speak, you speak with authority. You can lead.”

I took it in, but not really, as the last thing I wanted to do was lead anything. I wanted to do this DTS thing, and return home. At that time, I honestly would rather have gagged on a spoon, as I was so stuck in the rut of my own world. Leading? Me? No thank you.

And now I find myself three months in to a season of leadership, and twenty three days away from stepping into the role much further. I will be taking a team to countries I just recently figured out how to pronounce correctly, on the word of the Lord.

And you know what?

I could not want to do anything more at this point.

And I’m ready.

Ready as I’ll ever be.

Ready to depend on God in every moment.

Ready to daily surrender to His will and desires for us as a team.

I recognize, this will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

But I am in it, heart, mind and spirit.

Because I have watched first hand, in my own life, the power and love of Jesus radically transform my world. I have seen Him strip me from anxiety and bring me through the fire. I have watched Him pick me up from the depths of pain and bring life and joy. 

I know He is the answer to the nations. I know He is the answer.

He has wrecked me with His Glory. Wrecked, in the best way possible.

And yet, I am not anywhere close to being there yet. I am still journeying as we all are.

The beauty is, there is no going back.

There is no going back to making God a part time thing.

No going back to days on end without including Jesus in my daily life.

I could lose sleep over a lot of things at this point.

Whether it be uncertainty in schedule or the fact that I have zero finances to cover outreach fees. But man, God is good. He is entirely good, and I pray that every day I am reminded to hand it all over to Him.

This week has been an overflow of refreshment for my heart as I remember that walking with Jesus does not mean walking in perfection. Slowly but surely, the burden of being ‘the perfect outreach leader’ is being lifted off my shoulders and falling in its place is the ability to accept His grace.

And as I step in to this role with confidence, knowing I lead by His strength alone, I realize that before I simply never believed I could do such a thing. He has so graciously and patiently allowed me to realize, that it isn’t about what I can do or what I am capable of. It is through Him, it is what He can do, and what He is capable of. And I have the choice to believe this, or the choice to walk away.

There is undeniable beauty in choosing to live by faith and trust.

To choose to commit when it is difficult, to choose to be obedient and to learn to have vision for what is ahead.

It comes at a price, yes.

But how worth it it is to know deeper the character of our Creator..

October Video Update.

Lovely friends and family,

September has flown by and I find myself staring at the calender unable to lift my jaw off the floor. How in the world have we found ourselves in October already? Regardless, I welcome it with open arms, excited for what it brings! Between mini-outreach and a certain twenty-third birthday, I believe this month may just be the best yet this year.

Play this little (and by little I mean quite long) video if you'd like to hear the verbal version of life here in YWAM Herrnhut, working with the MOTA DTS! If you would like the written version, just make sure to pass along your email address, and I'll be sending an email update by this weekend.

Note: Do not be too blown away by the high definition details of my detachable web cam.

Wild, beautiful.

Moving forward, I feel my heart and my spirit stir with wild anticipation. 

As I know the One who is Love Himself.. as I grow to know Him deeper…

I begin to know and understand myself as His daughter. 

I am in a season lacking familiarity, lacking normalcy.

And in that, I find myself feeling more alive than ever before. 

As I scratch the surface of what it is to live fully sold out to Jesus..

All I want is more. 

All I want is to keep going. 

I have only just begun.

My beloved spoke and said to me, 'Arise my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.' 

See the winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come!" 

Song of Songs 2:10-12

I often find myself processing through and reflecting on this verse.

Maybe it's because I have it written on a piece of paper, staring me in the face as I first open my eyes to a new day. 

The winter is past; the season of singing has come! 

The winter is past. 

Even when it feels like it is beginning to creep back in, I shut the door in it's face.

When the winter knocks, when it threatens to come in,

I trust Him to be my strength.

The season of singing has come. 

The season of singing has come!

I will claim that as my own, and walk forward in it. 

Walk forward singing songs of His infinite goodness,

of His unfailing consuming love. 

His love that brought me through the winter. 

In Him I am confident. 

He is all that is wild, all that is beautiful. 

August Video Update.

Stumbling through what it looks like to make an effective video update.

For some reason, my words fly away and my vocabulary shrinks when I talk into a computer screen.

Here goes round two.

Dear Mom,

It was about two months ago,

the perfect summer evening.

We were sitting on our front porch, my mom and I, both with a mug of our favorite coffee in hand.

Between laughter and conversation, we’d pause for a bit just to soak in the sound of the crickets gearing up for sunset.

We watched the golden light turn to a faint pink,

sinking lower,

fading to dusk.

These moments, I knew, were the ones I’d miss dearly when I left home for full time missions.

You see, my mother is quite the lady.

Always selfless.

Always pouring out love.

When I share, she listens.

When I hurt, she hurts.

When I laugh, she laughs harder.

Growing up was easy in the Callihan household.

We were always loved,

Always provided for.

We were taught to respect,

to be kind,

to love God.

My mother always made sure our holidays were magical,

and our birthdays were special.

As children, she would share in our excitement for the newest beanie baby releases.

She made from scratch our dream Halloween costumes, even when I wanted to be a giant dog.

She worked on our school projects more than we did, and never left our side when we were ill.

She was that mom that had fresh chocolate chip cookies in the oven and meaty chili on the stove when we walked through the door after school.

She allowed my intense Nsync phase, even sending off my letters for me, the ones inviting them to my birthday party.. every year.

 She treated our homemade gifts as jewels,

And never missed a school activity.

When middle school hit, she was on the edge of my bed multiple nights, and listened as I cried out of insecurity, assuring me of the confidence I would grow in.

She tolerated my half hour a day attempts to play the alto saxophone, for three years, as well as all my emotional pre-teen rollercoaster moments.

As I grew older, she welcomed the boys I brought home with open arms, and held me as I cried when it was over. This was a good balance to my dad, who was more than ready to break out the shot gun at a moments notice.

She was well versed in my crushes, my hurts, my joys, my triumphs, my dreams.

…

I remember telling my parents that I was going to college to be a photographer.

Even with doubts, the support was unfailing.

My mother’s heart was full of grace as I entered into my moody artist phase, hands always in developer, eyes always behind a camera.

Then one day, I announced casually that I felt God directing me to do YWAM, in Germany.

Not one moment passed that she wasn’t supportive or helping me prepare.

And then I was off, not knowing what the future would hold.

Even from thousands of miles away, I felt her unfailing love, whether it be in package, letter or email form.

When I failed at communication, she didn’t, fully letting me do my thing, but making sure I was aware of how much love and prayer was coming from home.

February hit, and my life changed, completely.

Just a few months earlier I was telling her how we would have a wedding on our hands to plan in a years time, and now I was on one end of skype, sitting in Moldova, gasping for air, explaining that it was all over.

As I dove into months of hurt and pain, she dove in with me.

Not understanding my pain, but allowing it to take it’s various forms.

She always had the words, whether I wanted to hear them or not, she had them.

But then she shared the one’s that God used to help wake me up.

“Kelsey, you have not been rejected, you have been released.”

It wasn’t a surprise that I decided to enter full time missions, but it wasn’t easy for her either.

Her girls were grown up, and her middle baby, was moving to Germany.

But through her worry, I saw her beaming, proud.

I am not the same as I was a year ago,

I am a twenty two going on twenty three year old woman.

I sing a new song now.

A song of confidence,

and fulfillment in my Father’s love.

I say this all,

Because today is my mother’s birthday.

And I owe so much of where I am now to this incredible woman.

She is in fact a gift and a blessing from God.

I could never give her a greater gift than she and my dad have given me.

A life full of love.

Love that has allowed me to stumble.

Love that has allowed me to be myself.

Love that has allowed me to follow God wherever I hear His calling.

Momma,

I can’t find the words to tell you how much I appreciate you, so I hope this will do until I can. When I come home next summer, we’ll have coffee on the front porch. I’ll put too much creamer in; you’ll probably snort when you laugh.

And it will be just the way I remember.

I love you.

Happy Birthday.

In Awe.

As I walk forward in pursuit of a deeper relationship with God, revelations seem to sprout and take root more often than I imagined could happen.

Large transformational revelations.

Small revelations.

The other day, walking through the woods, I had a small revelation that turned into a deeper understanding of who I am in Him.

So maybe it was not so small, but..

As God develops my character, and challenges me with His abundant love, I question why I am the way I am. Not in a negative way, because frankly, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I am happy to be the person He’s made me to be, and is continuing to grow in.

There is however, one characteristic that I’m beginning to notice isn’t exactly found in everyone that I encounter.

And that is that I am able to hold on to the ‘awe factor’ of beauty in creation.

I have walked through the woods here in Herrnhut, Germany over a hundred times, and yet, the combination of sounds between the breeze moving the tree tops, and the babbling creek alongside my footpath.. well, I just can’t enough.

The way the evening sun pours through the branches.

The smell of the woods waking up, shaking off the morning dew.

I can not get over it.

I don’t want to ever get over it.

Every day there is something new to discover.

And the golden hour, how many of those have I seen?

And yet I am continually left breathless by the sight of them. And hope that one day, I can accurately capture how I see them on film… one day.

Color film. Large format. It’s in the works.

There is so much beauty on this earth to appreciate, and I haven’t even seen the half of it.

His creation astounds me to the core of my being.

I could not say anything more whole heartedly,

I am in awe of Him.

Some people like the word ‘woo’. I am one of those people.

If there is one thing that woo’s my heart, it is His creation.

The woods, the mountains, the lakeshore.

All of it, and then some, just continues to move my heart in a way like nothing ever could.

As I recognize this about myself, I can not help but thank Jesus for such a gift. The gift of ‘awe’, I like to call it.

And it is completely that, a gift.

Look around you. Drink it in. Allow yourself to be inspired.

Beauty can and will be found.

 A beauty that reveals just a hint of His love for us.

Incredible.

video update.

Please have so much grace with this video.

Between my tired jetlagged brain and scattered thoughts, it's a bit all over the place.

Next time I will try not to make that weird clicking noise and use the word uhm. 

Whoops.

But for now, here I am in Deutschland, giving you an update.

 

home stretch.

i knew it was coming. 

i could feel it bubbling up all morning.

frazzled frenzy explosion. 

a breakdown.

tears.

there are so many emotions involved with this next step. you name it, i'm feeling it. 

one trigger and bam, there it went.

but there is something different this time. 

last year, in my preparation to leave, i turned to others. 

i turned to those closest to me for affirmation.

for comfort. 

for encouragement.

and what i found was it was not fulfilling. 

it was not what i needed. 

no one's words could ease my heart for longer than a few moments. 

of course, silly me, i didn't even think to turn to the One who is the answer to our troubled hearts. 

now, i know better. 

and there are different people around me, but i still can not turn to them and receive the peace of heart like i can when i turn to Him. 

so tonight i grabbed my ipod and i hit the road.

i drove east for at least a good 40 minutes.

just going, driving, and soaking in what He needed to speak. 

it was a rich time with Jesus.

there is just nothing that can replace the peace that He gives.

these are the lyrics heavy on my heart.

i fought the whole 'liking Jesus Culture' thing for some reason, but forget it.

these lyrics have an anointing and it is right where i'm at.

 

my hearts aches for You my God

my soul waits for You my God

i've come far to find You here

in this place will i draw near

and Your spirit soars me

to the highest heights

from where i'll not look back

i'll keep trusting You

for i know
You are faithful

my God

Your spirit inside me holds me close

in Your wonderful presence i let go

i cleanse my hands, You burn my heart

i cry out for love, You set me apart

and Your spirit soars in me

to the highest height

from where i'll not look back, no

i'll keep trusting You

from the land of the barren

we will cry out for rain, rain God

fill our hearts God

i'l keep trusting You

for i know
You are faithful

my God

the year.

this song is on repeat, and this mind is in overdrive.

not in a bad way.

just in a thoughtful, sappy and nostalgic way.

and i say, that's okay.

one day, after a few other steps are taken, i'm going to have kids. 

and when they get to the point when they are curious about their parent's past, well, i think i will be telling them a lot about this year.

the year that changed everything.

the year that everything in my future exploded high into the sky and then began to fall back down into place.

the year i found out what deep pain felt like and what it meant to let go.

the year i became uncomfortable and grew immensely.

the year i rediscovered myself, my heart and it’s passions.

the year i learned of His goodness, His provision, His promise.

the year i depended on family in a new way, and fell in love with my homeland.

the year i moved to Germany and became a missionary.

the year i was twenty two going on twenty three.

and it’s not over yet.

i have no idea where i'm headed, but i'm headed out with a full heart.

a heart to serve. a heart to learn.

a heart to love.

and my time in germany, well, i don't know how long it will last.

one year, two years, less, more.

i've tried to map out the next few years.

i've tried to connect the dots between people and circumstances.

He's just laughing, eyes full of grace, watching me try.

here's to the beautiful unknown...

it's about that time.

in 8 days

BAPTISM

what better way to enter a brand new season…

when the opportunity arose with the incredible house church i’ve been a apart of, i knew it had to be the right time.

yes!

in 9 days

BONFIRE

chances are, i want you there, so

don’t let my middle of nowhere location stop you from coming out.

i’ll give you a big sappy hug goodbye while you try to eat your s’more.

in12 days

BYE

all the rest of the days

PANIC

 except not really.

all i have to do is pack a bag or two and be on my way to detroit.

there is a tugging to stay.

and maybe that tug is a fear that i'll never live in michigan again.

maybe the tug is a fear that i'll miss out on things that could be.

but fear has no place making decisions for me.

when i arrived home, i knew i had to redefine it.

and finally, i feel like i've reached that place.

home has been redefined.

reclaimed as new.

i am new.

so yes, part of me wants to stay.

part of me wants to see what could happen.

new community.

new friendships.

it's exciting

 and has helped push me to redefine who i am in this place i love to call home.

but i know better.

i know where i am meant to be,

and there is an ever present excitement for that as well.

the next season is in Germany.

it will be beautiful.

it will be abundant.

and no matter the circumstance,

it will be the best place for me where i am at.

i am aware that i have to let go of anything on my agenda 

labeled with 'future' and put it in His hands.

i am so young, 

and there is so much life to experience.

i want to live His will with every second He gives me.

and in that will, no matter what it looks like, 

my heart will find it is fulfilled up to the brim and over.

homeland.

so, 

two weeks left in michigan.

all i really want to do is adventure.

drive somewhere i've never been.

see something i've never seen.

do something i've never done.

view lake michigan from a high point.

get all wrapped up in a warm blanket and look up at the stars in a new way.

soak up a little more golden light at about 8:30pm.

and while i'm at it, shoot a couple rolls of film.

good things.

welcome to my busy crazy whirlwind of a season.
in two days i shoot my first wedding.

in two weeks i move to herrnhut, germany. 

i've been able to shoot with a full frame nikon d700 until i send it back on monday.

yesterday i had the opportunity to photograph in chicago.

thanks to a friend from college, i've been blessed with my dream camera. a 4x5 speed graphic graflex! talk about film goodness.

and will soon be blessed with another friend's old macbook, which means i don't have to put up with this four year old unreliable brick of a dell computer anymore.

that in itself is a blessing beyond words and a major answer to my prayers!
phew...

God is good and full of unexpected blessings this week.

He is so faithful, and i just can not stop repeating that.
over and over and over again,
HE IS FAITHFUL.

you can imagine i'm excited about all the above and then some.

trusting heart.

trust. 

a word God has been teaching me a bit about these days. 

trust is big for me right now. 

my life direction completely shifted this year.

my heart is going through massive changes.

i'm leaving in three weeks to join ywam full time.

leaving my family and friends i love so dearly.

my finances are not at all accounted for.

do i trust that He has this.

do i trust this plan of His...

i keep being reminded of one of my many bathroom revelations.

if you don't know it yet, toilet revelations are the best.

that's where i was able to do a lot of my tough processing in dts because it was the only place i could grab a minute alone. 

you didn't want to know that.

let's move on. 

this revelation.

it was about midway through lecture phase, when i realized how these small desires of my heart i was quick to push off in the past, were now my living reality.

if you asked me in high school (four years ago now, WHAT) what i wanted for the future i would have probably talked your ear off for a few hours, but it would have essentially boiled down to this.

1. to live in community and at one point, live with a big group of girls but not in a dorm situation (i wasn't doing that university thing, no way.)

2. to experience new cultures. and secretly dreamed about living in a different country.

3. to fall in love and get married and one day have little munchkins running around.

4. to own pets, lots.

5. to live a life according to God's will and authentic plan.

so there i am years later, you know, sitting and stuff, and it dawned on me that two dreams of mine that i never thought would ever happen, two dreams that i tried to smash down and convince myself i didn't need.... i was living them. 

i was living in awesome God centered community, in Germany.

how in the world did this happen?

it was in that moment that i started to fully realize how God is faithful to the desires in our hearts, and the more time we spend with Him, the more our heart desires line up with His will. and at the same time, it's not about just us, it's to be used to fulfill His plan for others as well.

it's just this giant web of goodness that only He could come up with.

and those tiny dreams of mine, they are more fully becoming reality.

community. living in a different country. living according to His will.

 and the rest, i have to trust in His hands.

ohhh, yes, that's a tough one indeed.

i thought i had the rest pretty much planned out at the beginning of this year, turns out, i didn't. and it's no use trying to control or think i can plan something better than He can.

so i'm learning to let them go, 

opening my hands to whatever He wants, 

and

trusting.

trusting that He has a plan.

trusting that His plan is better than one i could come up with.

trusting that if He fulfills the tiny desires, He'll fulfill the big ones, even if it looks differently than what i thought, it will be better.

trusting that His ways are much much higher than mine.

trusting that He already knows my financial standing and i don't have to keep telling him,

"hey, God, uhm... i only have $250 support a month, uhm, hey... wanna just send some more my way?"

nope.

God already knows how much money i have and how much i need.

He knows my needs without me saying a word.

and so it is my responsibility to be walking in obedience and asking for guidance on what He would have me do with finances.

it could be a very scary thing, i mean hey, it's a big deal.

but God is so much bigger than money.

so much more powerful than what our thoughts can handle.

and i am His daughter, and He has called me to something, and so why would i be worried?

i've wasted so much time with anxiety.

wasted so much energy trying to control people and circumstances.

i'm over it.

it's not worth it.

God is freedom, and freedom trumps worry any day.

freedom is what i want my life to be defined by.

 not worry.

not stress.

freedom.

so, 

trust.

some things seem to big to trust anyone with, seem too big to hand over to God.

but the truth is, He already has it in His hands. and we just think we're in control.

He does it better than we could ever come up with because He knows the deep desires in our hearts, even the ones that we try to smash down and want to disappear because they seem too lofty or too scary.

He sees it all, and wants to move in our lives more than we want Him too.

He is God.

He is good.

He more than deserves all of our trust even with the things that are closest to our heart.

He has got this.

cats of europe.

time for some photographs.

it's really no secret that i am a huge fan of animals. 

all of them. 

dogs, cats, koalas.

doesn't matter. 

i've grown up with having a handful of animals at all times and they have added so much joy to my life through the years.

that being said, i worked on a mini side project while i was in dts.

CATS OF EUROPE

oh yes.

you may love them.

you may hate them.

everyone seems to be stuck on their opinion about cats, but i've grown to love them.

these guys were caught on both film and digital in germany, paris and greece.