real life.

there are moments when i question why i write for this blog.

moments when i think i should shut it down, or just write fluffy things and post cute photos. but that doesn’t feel right.

the way i’ve come to see it, is that if something, anything that i’m struggling through helps one person, helps one person to understand a little bit more about where they are at..

it’s worth it.

it is worth me being raw and real through writing.

with that..

i'll be honest.

when i came home, it felt impossible for me laugh or smile genuinely. when a smile would start to creep in, the instant thought would pop into my head “you have nothing to smile about.” when i would laugh, it felt empty, and would usually be followed by tears as soon as i was alone.

my immune system was shot.

my already small frame became a little smaller, because food was the least of my desires.

the world seemed to pass by so fast, and i felt like i was just standing there glazed over.

unable to connect. unable to process. unable to move, frozen.

my family saw it all, and many times one of them would be sitting on my bed just listening or shoveling out encouragement.

i suppose this was the settling in of heartbreak, the settling in of my new reality.

but this wasn't me, this wasn't who i knew myself to be.

this wasn't the girl who was just in germany days before.

i knew truth, but the lies were thick and heavy. the lies were jeering, stabbing, painful.

lies that i was weak, pathetic, easy to forget. that i wasn’t worth fighting for or worth someone else’s love.

no.

not standing for that.

i am far more confident in my identity as a daughter of Christ than to put up with that complete and utter bull.

there came a point for me one wednesday morning that i had to say, enough was enough. and like many other times in this period, i cried out to God. but this time was different, i was ready for Him to move, i was ready for Him to give me peace, and ready to embrace my situation.

time to live with fullness.

in that wednesday morning moment, God rained His truth, promises and hope into my life. that’s when I was able to sit and write this post.
that was april.

since then, there has been a domino effect of goodness all starting with the love God has so abundantly showered me with as I walk this journey.

it’s been incredible, it’s been challenging, it’s been rich and a time i would never trade for the world.

that is God. that is Him at work.

He is in the business of bringing joy even in the painful times.

let that joy rain, because I’m done with feeling foreign to myself.

there are still difficult days, but He has given so much of Himself for me to hold on to.

because God is God, and He always is surprising me, He made sure i was at a certain church service this past saturday night.

as i walked in and saw the topic ‘redemption’, i was filled with excitement for what God was about to reveal.

pain, whether self inflicted or caused by others, is a tool.

God uses pain to open us to things we once would have been closed to.

(hi, herrnhut, see you soon!)

God uses pain to birth newness in our lives.

God uses pain to draw us closer to Him than we’ve ever been.

God uses pain to shape us.

pain opens doors, change hurts, but God makes it worth it.

there is always hope, and always something better coming.

amen.

God is doing something wild.

there is a stirring in my heart and spirit.

an awakening.

man, i'm so excited to see what's coming!

i really enjoy these photos.

just a little fun in the everyday life of sisterhood.
pajamas and beautiful light.

real joy.

God said "Go!"

Yes, God said "Go!". 

And on July 11^th around 7pm, I am doing just that.

Going.

Leaving.

Moving.

On September 2^nd, 2011, I left for Germany to join YWAM and do a Discipleship Training School. I knew I would do my seven months and then come home.

This time is different.

In the last three months, I have had huge confirmation that I am to go back to Herrnhut, Germany and join YWAM as full time staff for an indefinite period of time.

This is it.

This is the next step.

I am thrilled to be joining such an incredible community of people. See for yourselves and watch this lovely video. 

More than anything, I want for people to know the God that saves, the God that brings hope, the God that brings justice. The Father who loves, who comforts, who is the answer. The more I walk my own path, the more I am in desperate need of God, the more my hunger grows to share Him with those who do not know. To share the good news of the Savior. 

Will you join me?

Will you help send me out?

Will you journey along with me?

If your answer is yes, maybe, or you are wondering if you should, let’s talk.

Let’s email or skype. Let’s get coffee or lunch.

If you want to invest in me, I want to invest in you.

I do not want you to feel like you are just a monthly check or a prayer partner to me.

I firmly believe that you are in this in spirit as much as I am physically.

What will you be joining me in?

The specifics are hard to answer, but I would love to talk one on one about any and all questions you have.

The bottom line is essentially this.

I know that God is calling me back to the YWAM Herrnhut base, to be a full time missionary. My “job” is to know God, and to make Him known. My heart is to staff Discipleship Training Schools, specifically the Marriage of the Arts. I want to come along side of others in their own journey and help them with their path of knowing God and making Him known.

I want to lead and be a part of outreaches wherever God directs.

To use photography to bring awareness to the injustices of this world.

To use the talents God has placed within me to bridge the gap between the lost and the saved.

The possibilities are endless. The opportunities are endless.

Herrnhut will be my home.

I will have a two year visa. Live in an apartment with other full time staff. Shop at the local grocery store. Learn the language, etc.

Herrnhut will be my launching pad.

I will go when and where He leads, whether that’s Asia, South America, Africa or back to Eastern Europe. It could be for a week, twelve weeks, or longer.

So, will you join me?

Will you play a part in this?

My goal is 700 USD each month.

This covers all my daily living, allows me to save for outreaches, etc. I would love to talk about this more in detail if you have questions.

If this is an investment you would like to make, whether it be one time or monthly, let’s talk.

Email: k.calli@hotmail.com

Call/text: 616-648-4062

Skype: kelseycalli

Facebook.

Let’s get in contact in whatever is easiest for you.

Let’s start the journey.

resting heart.

since i arrived home in april, i have felt God ask me to begin resting my heart.

in many of my prayer times it would just ring over and over.

rest your heart, kelsey.

rest your heart.

rest your heart.

how? i would ask Him.

what does this look like?

silence.

so i’ve been on a journey of discovering what it looks like to rest my heart.

what i have to do.

what i have to think.

what i have to hold on to.

sometimes i’m driving at the golden hour. sometimes i’m eating old chinese takeout with a dear friend. sometimes i’m playing wii games late into the night with my sister or making up ridiculous dance moves with my mom. sometimes i’m trying to bake a sort of concoction and make a huge mess. sometimes i’m skyping a friend thousands of miles away. sometimes i’m alone in the house singing worship songs at the top of my lungs..

and i feel it.

this is resting your heart, He says.

and then there are days when i step outside and the warm sun surrounds me. the sky is so blue i think i’ve never seen such a color in my life. the breeze is just enough for me to get slight goosebumps up my arms. within minutes, i can almost see new freckles revealing themselves one by one, multiplying abundantly.

i put on my all time favorite, iron and wine.

i lay there soaking up this moment.

this is resting your heart, He says.

and i write.

i record every last detail about the peace God is finally releasing.

i write to remind myself what a beautiful path i’m on, and all that is going on now, no matter how ugly it feels some days, it has a purpose down the road.

and redemption will come.

and beauty will come.

and if i open my eyes, i can see that beauty is already here.

the beauty of freedom, the beauty of choice.

the beauty of dependency on the Father.

the beauty of growth in the desert times.
the beauty of the unknown.

the beauty of a future.

i know i'm a little late to the party, but instagram is fun.

portraits.

i met some really lovely people while in dts. 

one of those being meghan hildebrandt. 

this girl is all talent, passion and fire. 

and i love her alot. 

really alot. 

she took some film shots of me on my very last day in germany. 

less than twelve hours later, i was in the airport ready to fly home.

this day is very vivid in my mind and i can tell you she captured it perfectly.

my favorite time of day with that dreamy golden light, my favorite scarf, with one of my favorite girls. 

 meghan, you're incredible.

check out more of her work at

 http://meaganhildebrandtphotography.com/

there she is, miss meagan herself.

i'm glad this long hair is well documented because i'm thinking it's time for a change.
chop chop chop.

healing heart.

dear herrnhut,

i miss you, as i knew i would.

since i've left you, i’ve faced the most difficult month of my twenty two years. everything i learned and grew in was put to the test, but God reigns triumphant and has proved Himself to truly be my One and only.

when i left i was strong, and even if my emotional state doesn’t always reflect that state, i can feel it building up every day.

God is building character in me that i never would have found, imparting wisdom that i never would have had, and giving me opportunities i never would have dreamed.. had i not walked through this last month.

what i’m going through may take awhile as healing hearts do, but it will not last, a new day will come. that, He has spoken and that i trust.

His ways are mysterious to me now more than ever.

but He has promised that it is going to be exquisite.

all I know is that He is here with me, whether i’m in worship or tears or frustrated or overjoyed. He is here. and He is in all the small daily triumphs.

i have to trust like i’ve never trusted before. i have to put away all my wants and hopes for the future, and lay everything out with open hands.

so, herrnhut, He has promised a new path, one that i can’t imagine quite yet. and although i'm just at the beginning, i believe it will start to make sense soon.

i hear your weather is quite lovely these days. stay that way, okay?

because I’ll see you in two months.
you and all your doner big hill beautiful forest castle wonderful people ywam german goodness. 

praise the good Lord.