finding joy.: real life.

there are moments when i question why i write for this blog.

moments when i think i should shut it down, or just write fluffy things and post cute photos. but that doesn’t feel right.

the way i’ve come to see it, is that if something, anything that i’m struggling through helps one person, helps one person to understand a little bit more about where they are at..

it’s worth it.

it is worth me being raw and real through writing.

with that..

i'll be honest.

when i came home, it felt impossible for me laugh or smile genuinely. when a smile would start to creep in, the instant thought would pop into my head “you have nothing to smile about.” when i would laugh, it felt empty, and would usually be followed by tears as soon as i was alone.

my immune system was shot.

my already small frame became a little smaller, because food was the least of my desires.

the world seemed to pass by so fast, and i felt like i was just standing there glazed over.

unable to connect. unable to process. unable to move, frozen.

my family saw it all, and many times one of them would be sitting on my bed just listening or shoveling out encouragement.

i suppose this was the settling in of heartbreak, the settling in of my new reality.

but this wasn't me, this wasn't who i knew myself to be.

this wasn't the girl who was just in germany days before.

i knew truth, but the lies were thick and heavy. the lies were jeering, stabbing, painful.

lies that i was weak, pathetic, easy to forget. that i wasn’t worth fighting for or worth someone else’s love.

no.

not standing for that.

i am far more confident in my identity as a daughter of Christ than to put up with that complete and utter bull.

there came a point for me one wednesday morning that i had to say, enough was enough. and like many other times in this period, i cried out to God. but this time was different, i was ready for Him to move, i was ready for Him to give me peace, and ready to embrace my situation.

time to live with fullness.

in that wednesday morning moment, God rained His truth, promises and hope into my life. that’s when I was able to sit and write this post.
that was april.

since then, there has been a domino effect of goodness all starting with the love God has so abundantly showered me with as I walk this journey.

it’s been incredible, it’s been challenging, it’s been rich and a time i would never trade for the world.

that is God. that is Him at work.

He is in the business of bringing joy even in the painful times.

let that joy rain, because I’m done with feeling foreign to myself.

there are still difficult days, but He has given so much of Himself for me to hold on to.

because God is God, and He always is surprising me, He made sure i was at a certain church service this past saturday night.

as i walked in and saw the topic ‘redemption’, i was filled with excitement for what God was about to reveal.

pain, whether self inflicted or caused by others, is a tool.

God uses pain to open us to things we once would have been closed to.

(hi, herrnhut, see you soon!)

God uses pain to birth newness in our lives.