trusting heart.

trust. 

a word God has been teaching me a bit about these days. 

trust is big for me right now. 

my life direction completely shifted this year.

my heart is going through massive changes.

i'm leaving in three weeks to join ywam full time.

leaving my family and friends i love so dearly.

my finances are not at all accounted for.

do i trust that He has this.

do i trust this plan of His...

i keep being reminded of one of my many bathroom revelations.

if you don't know it yet, toilet revelations are the best.

that's where i was able to do a lot of my tough processing in dts because it was the only place i could grab a minute alone. 

you didn't want to know that.

let's move on. 

this revelation.

it was about midway through lecture phase, when i realized how these small desires of my heart i was quick to push off in the past, were now my living reality.

if you asked me in high school (four years ago now, WHAT) what i wanted for the future i would have probably talked your ear off for a few hours, but it would have essentially boiled down to this.

1. to live in community and at one point, live with a big group of girls but not in a dorm situation (i wasn't doing that university thing, no way.)

2. to experience new cultures. and secretly dreamed about living in a different country.

3. to fall in love and get married and one day have little munchkins running around.

4. to own pets, lots.

5. to live a life according to God's will and authentic plan.

so there i am years later, you know, sitting and stuff, and it dawned on me that two dreams of mine that i never thought would ever happen, two dreams that i tried to smash down and convince myself i didn't need.... i was living them. 

i was living in awesome God centered community, in Germany.

how in the world did this happen?

it was in that moment that i started to fully realize how God is faithful to the desires in our hearts, and the more time we spend with Him, the more our heart desires line up with His will. and at the same time, it's not about just us, it's to be used to fulfill His plan for others as well.

it's just this giant web of goodness that only He could come up with.

and those tiny dreams of mine, they are more fully becoming reality.

community. living in a different country. living according to His will.

 and the rest, i have to trust in His hands.

ohhh, yes, that's a tough one indeed.

i thought i had the rest pretty much planned out at the beginning of this year, turns out, i didn't. and it's no use trying to control or think i can plan something better than He can.

so i'm learning to let them go, 

opening my hands to whatever He wants, 

and

trusting.

trusting that He has a plan.

trusting that His plan is better than one i could come up with.

trusting that if He fulfills the tiny desires, He'll fulfill the big ones, even if it looks differently than what i thought, it will be better.

trusting that His ways are much much higher than mine.

trusting that He already knows my financial standing and i don't have to keep telling him,

"hey, God, uhm... i only have $250 support a month, uhm, hey... wanna just send some more my way?"

nope.

God already knows how much money i have and how much i need.

He knows my needs without me saying a word.

and so it is my responsibility to be walking in obedience and asking for guidance on what He would have me do with finances.

it could be a very scary thing, i mean hey, it's a big deal.

but God is so much bigger than money.

so much more powerful than what our thoughts can handle.

and i am His daughter, and He has called me to something, and so why would i be worried?

i've wasted so much time with anxiety.

wasted so much energy trying to control people and circumstances.

i'm over it.

it's not worth it.

God is freedom, and freedom trumps worry any day.

freedom is what i want my life to be defined by.

 not worry.

not stress.

freedom.

so, 

trust.

some things seem to big to trust anyone with, seem too big to hand over to God.

but the truth is, He already has it in His hands. and we just think we're in control.

He does it better than we could ever come up with because He knows the deep desires in our hearts, even the ones that we try to smash down and want to disappear because they seem too lofty or too scary.

He sees it all, and wants to move in our lives more than we want Him too.

He is God.

He is good.

He more than deserves all of our trust even with the things that are closest to our heart.

He has got this.