Dear Mom,

It was about two months ago,

the perfect summer evening.

We were sitting on our front porch, my mom and I, both with a mug of our favorite coffee in hand.

Between laughter and conversation, we’d pause for a bit just to soak in the sound of the crickets gearing up for sunset.

We watched the golden light turn to a faint pink,

sinking lower,

fading to dusk.

These moments, I knew, were the ones I’d miss dearly when I left home for full time missions.

You see, my mother is quite the lady.

Always selfless.

Always pouring out love.

When I share, she listens.

When I hurt, she hurts.

When I laugh, she laughs harder.

Growing up was easy in the Callihan household.

We were always loved,

Always provided for.

We were taught to respect,

to be kind,

to love God.

My mother always made sure our holidays were magical,

and our birthdays were special.

As children, she would share in our excitement for the newest beanie baby releases.

She made from scratch our dream Halloween costumes, even when I wanted to be a giant dog.

She worked on our school projects more than we did, and never left our side when we were ill.

She was that mom that had fresh chocolate chip cookies in the oven and meaty chili on the stove when we walked through the door after school.

She allowed my intense Nsync phase, even sending off my letters for me, the ones inviting them to my birthday party.. every year.

 She treated our homemade gifts as jewels,

And never missed a school activity.

When middle school hit, she was on the edge of my bed multiple nights, and listened as I cried out of insecurity, assuring me of the confidence I would grow in.

She tolerated my half hour a day attempts to play the alto saxophone, for three years, as well as all my emotional pre-teen rollercoaster moments.

As I grew older, she welcomed the boys I brought home with open arms, and held me as I cried when it was over. This was a good balance to my dad, who was more than ready to break out the shot gun at a moments notice.

She was well versed in my crushes, my hurts, my joys, my triumphs, my dreams.

…

I remember telling my parents that I was going to college to be a photographer.

Even with doubts, the support was unfailing.

My mother’s heart was full of grace as I entered into my moody artist phase, hands always in developer, eyes always behind a camera.

Then one day, I announced casually that I felt God directing me to do YWAM, in Germany.

Not one moment passed that she wasn’t supportive or helping me prepare.

And then I was off, not knowing what the future would hold.

Even from thousands of miles away, I felt her unfailing love, whether it be in package, letter or email form.

When I failed at communication, she didn’t, fully letting me do my thing, but making sure I was aware of how much love and prayer was coming from home.

February hit, and my life changed, completely.

Just a few months earlier I was telling her how we would have a wedding on our hands to plan in a years time, and now I was on one end of skype, sitting in Moldova, gasping for air, explaining that it was all over.

As I dove into months of hurt and pain, she dove in with me.

Not understanding my pain, but allowing it to take it’s various forms.

She always had the words, whether I wanted to hear them or not, she had them.

But then she shared the one’s that God used to help wake me up.

“Kelsey, you have not been rejected, you have been released.”

It wasn’t a surprise that I decided to enter full time missions, but it wasn’t easy for her either.

Her girls were grown up, and her middle baby, was moving to Germany.

But through her worry, I saw her beaming, proud.

I am not the same as I was a year ago,

I am a twenty two going on twenty three year old woman.

I sing a new song now.

A song of confidence,

and fulfillment in my Father’s love.

I say this all,

Because today is my mother’s birthday.

And I owe so much of where I am now to this incredible woman.

She is in fact a gift and a blessing from God.

I could never give her a greater gift than she and my dad have given me.

A life full of love.

Love that has allowed me to stumble.

Love that has allowed me to be myself.

Love that has allowed me to follow God wherever I hear His calling.

Momma,

I can’t find the words to tell you how much I appreciate you, so I hope this will do until I can. When I come home next summer, we’ll have coffee on the front porch. I’ll put too much creamer in; you’ll probably snort when you laugh.

And it will be just the way I remember.

I love you.

Happy Birthday.

In Awe.

As I walk forward in pursuit of a deeper relationship with God, revelations seem to sprout and take root more often than I imagined could happen.

Large transformational revelations.

Small revelations.

The other day, walking through the woods, I had a small revelation that turned into a deeper understanding of who I am in Him.

So maybe it was not so small, but..

As God develops my character, and challenges me with His abundant love, I question why I am the way I am. Not in a negative way, because frankly, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I am happy to be the person He’s made me to be, and is continuing to grow in.

There is however, one characteristic that I’m beginning to notice isn’t exactly found in everyone that I encounter.

And that is that I am able to hold on to the ‘awe factor’ of beauty in creation.

I have walked through the woods here in Herrnhut, Germany over a hundred times, and yet, the combination of sounds between the breeze moving the tree tops, and the babbling creek alongside my footpath.. well, I just can’t enough.

The way the evening sun pours through the branches.

The smell of the woods waking up, shaking off the morning dew.

I can not get over it.

I don’t want to ever get over it.

Every day there is something new to discover.

And the golden hour, how many of those have I seen?

And yet I am continually left breathless by the sight of them. And hope that one day, I can accurately capture how I see them on film… one day.

Color film. Large format. It’s in the works.

There is so much beauty on this earth to appreciate, and I haven’t even seen the half of it.

His creation astounds me to the core of my being.

I could not say anything more whole heartedly,

I am in awe of Him.

Some people like the word ‘woo’. I am one of those people.

If there is one thing that woo’s my heart, it is His creation.

The woods, the mountains, the lakeshore.

All of it, and then some, just continues to move my heart in a way like nothing ever could.

As I recognize this about myself, I can not help but thank Jesus for such a gift. The gift of ‘awe’, I like to call it.

And it is completely that, a gift.

Look around you. Drink it in. Allow yourself to be inspired.

Beauty can and will be found.

 A beauty that reveals just a hint of His love for us.

Incredible.

video update.

Please have so much grace with this video.

Between my tired jetlagged brain and scattered thoughts, it's a bit all over the place.

Next time I will try not to make that weird clicking noise and use the word uhm. 

Whoops.

But for now, here I am in Deutschland, giving you an update.

 

home stretch.

i knew it was coming. 

i could feel it bubbling up all morning.

frazzled frenzy explosion. 

a breakdown.

tears.

there are so many emotions involved with this next step. you name it, i'm feeling it. 

one trigger and bam, there it went.

but there is something different this time. 

last year, in my preparation to leave, i turned to others. 

i turned to those closest to me for affirmation.

for comfort. 

for encouragement.

and what i found was it was not fulfilling. 

it was not what i needed. 

no one's words could ease my heart for longer than a few moments. 

of course, silly me, i didn't even think to turn to the One who is the answer to our troubled hearts. 

now, i know better. 

and there are different people around me, but i still can not turn to them and receive the peace of heart like i can when i turn to Him. 

so tonight i grabbed my ipod and i hit the road.

i drove east for at least a good 40 minutes.

just going, driving, and soaking in what He needed to speak. 

it was a rich time with Jesus.

there is just nothing that can replace the peace that He gives.

these are the lyrics heavy on my heart.

i fought the whole 'liking Jesus Culture' thing for some reason, but forget it.

these lyrics have an anointing and it is right where i'm at.

 

my hearts aches for You my God

my soul waits for You my God

i've come far to find You here

in this place will i draw near

and Your spirit soars me

to the highest heights

from where i'll not look back

i'll keep trusting You

for i know
You are faithful

my God

Your spirit inside me holds me close

in Your wonderful presence i let go

i cleanse my hands, You burn my heart

i cry out for love, You set me apart

and Your spirit soars in me

to the highest height

from where i'll not look back, no

i'll keep trusting You

from the land of the barren

we will cry out for rain, rain God

fill our hearts God

i'l keep trusting You

for i know
You are faithful

my God

the year.

this song is on repeat, and this mind is in overdrive.

not in a bad way.

just in a thoughtful, sappy and nostalgic way.

and i say, that's okay.

one day, after a few other steps are taken, i'm going to have kids. 

and when they get to the point when they are curious about their parent's past, well, i think i will be telling them a lot about this year.

the year that changed everything.

the year that everything in my future exploded high into the sky and then began to fall back down into place.

the year i found out what deep pain felt like and what it meant to let go.

the year i became uncomfortable and grew immensely.

the year i rediscovered myself, my heart and it’s passions.

the year i learned of His goodness, His provision, His promise.

the year i depended on family in a new way, and fell in love with my homeland.

the year i moved to Germany and became a missionary.

the year i was twenty two going on twenty three.

and it’s not over yet.

i have no idea where i'm headed, but i'm headed out with a full heart.

a heart to serve. a heart to learn.

a heart to love.

and my time in germany, well, i don't know how long it will last.

one year, two years, less, more.

i've tried to map out the next few years.

i've tried to connect the dots between people and circumstances.

He's just laughing, eyes full of grace, watching me try.

here's to the beautiful unknown...